I’m wondering, does anyone know how to stop suicidal thoughts? I’ve ben trying to deal with this problem now for a while. If anyone has any tips, please coment below.
So, we had therapy today, and it was hard. We talked about me raising the number of calories I take in each day. We also discussed getting Rayette on board with getting unstuck from the trauma and getting oriented to the present. I think she will be shocked to realize that 25 and a half years have passed. He’s going to do this slowly over time. He also wants me to log the times I come back and realize that time was lost. I told him that the reason I take in 600 calories a day is because of the cult stuff, and he said he wants to work on breaking that association with food and the cult so we can be healthy physically. He’s basically getting to know us. He’s going to call the director of the ER to see about maybe letting me use my iPOD in the unit if I get admitted because of the fact that the group handouts are all in print. I told him there was an app on my iPod that I could use to take a picture of the printed material and it would read it to me. We talked about self-harm and how that Amilia does it because she can’t speak, so she’s communicating her pain in a physical way. So that was therapy.
It me Athena and I wanna know how erbody is doin. Love all u lovly people. All you are nice.
Athena age 6
Xo today, I had an ice cream sandwich because I wanted it!!!! I would normally deny my body this pleasure, but I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to recover!!!! I think 17 years is long enough to deal wit hthis illness. Now hopefully, I can get the alters to be on board with this to. If you’re reading this and you suffer from an eating disorder, just know that you are not alone, and you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to change your weight to be beautiful. You deserve food, and your body needs nourishment. If you need someone to talk to, you can email me at
So, today and the last few days have been really good with the heart rate and POTS symptoms. Maybe it’s because of the extra salt that I’m taking in, or maybe it’s just good luck??? I don’t know, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts!!!!!!! I usually sleep on my couch because it’s elevated because I sleep with my head on the armrest, but tonight I’m going to try and sleep in my bed and see how that goes.
So we had our first session with the new psychologist earlier this afternoon, and it went really well. I am so thankful that I found him. I will call him Dr. V. He specializes in trauma-based issues including did, PTSD, eating disorders, and borderline personality disorder. He is very genuine and compassionate and just loves to help his clients to explore and find themselves. He is very present oriented but will delve into the past to unravel things as needed. He is very well versed in SR a and all that it entails. He is going to contact my local ER to make a crisis plan even if that means when we get in a crisis we go to the ER until the crisis passes, but we don’t always have to be hospitalized. He says that we do this when we know that we are going to act on a plan. He is willing to work with us on cooperation and communication as a System. Will do online therapy, and he takes all of his notes on his computer. This makes things easier because I know when he’s writing so I can give him a chance to finish taking his notes before I say something else. He is willing to let us contact him outside of therapy as long as what we have to say is important, like not talking about the weather or something like that. LOL he says that he knows that some of them on the inside will be resistant to therapy and he’s willing to work with that. He says he is committed to this as long as I am. He says he will work with the altars to increase communication. I am just so glad we fountain. We also have to tell our current therapist next Thursday that we have found someone else but that if that falls through to see if she would be willing to see us again, so not completely shut her out but as Dr. V said, give her an olive branch on the way out. I want to say thank you to all of the people who have read our blog. We have received 1000 likes on this blog since it was started almost 3 years ago.
So we have found a new psychologist who understands our issues and has worked with all of our disorders. He is trauma trained and knows about SRA and covert DID. He says he’s willing to work with us, and our insurance is accepted there to. He does online therapy, and he also told me that there will be times where we will go to see him and the insurance would pay for the trip. I will refer to him as dr V. Really looking forward to our first session tomorrow. Some of the others aren’t looking forward to it because of the fear that they will be left yet again. Will update you all after tomorrows session.
HEY, IT’S ENIGMA AND I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THERAPY BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THINGS. DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE MEMORIES….. TO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!! RAY SAYS IT WILL BE OK, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE HER. ALSO DON’T WANT TO OPEN UP TO THIS GUY AND THEN HE DECIDES TO LEAVE US LIKE THOSE OTHER THERAPISTS DID….
So, my primary care provider told me today that I most likely have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome hypermobility type which is a connective tissue disorder that affects the skin and that it is translucent and stretchy, but it also affects the joints because they are hyper mobile and move in ways they shouldn’t causing frequent subluxation and sprains. This along with pots makes for a very difficult time. These are both chronic illnesses. Looking for support in anyway I can get it.
Here’s a song that made me think of all survivors, and people with mental illness (eating disorders, dissociative disorders and PTSD)
She holds her dear life to the end of the sleeves in her hands
Covering up lies that she wrote with a razor sharp pen
But the steel of the blade
Is no match for the pain
Of the loneliness she’s going through
But we’ve all been there to.
Praise God we don’t have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds
And they soften our hearts
They remind us of where we have been
But not who we are
We don’t have to hide scars.
This song made me think of all survivors. 😊
I feel like I’m asking to much of my team. I asked my therapist what we were supposed to do if outpatient therapy wasn’t enough for the eating disorder because of the multilayered issues, and she said, well, you’re just going to have to use the resources you have. I asked her if she was willing to learn about all of our issues, and she said she couldn’t fit it into her schedule. She got frustrated with me for showing my emotions about the lack of services. She said that my tone was disrespectfull. All I was doing was expressing my anger at a system of mental health that has failed us so many times. I told her it was hard for us to trust the process because so many people have told us that we were to much to handle and that we needed someone who was versed in chronic trauma. The DBT therapy is just one group a week. It’s not a full DBT program like with phone coaching and stuff. I cant move to Peoria or Chicago because I don’t really know anyone there who can support me/us. She was frustrated because I forgot to set up transportation because of dissociation. I told her that a few days can pass without me even being aware of it. I guess we just need a plan like a crisis/higher level of care plan for the ED. I hope I’m making sense. I hate sounding like I’m complaining about the lack of services here. She said if I can prove that I can show up for two more appointments then she would schedule appointments for every week after that. We really didn’t do therapy today. I just kept asking her about treatment options and stuff. She told me that I was never going to be satisfied with the answers that she gives me because it doesn’t fit into my little box of an ideal world. She said she didn’t feel like I was really trying to get better but I have been actively seeking treatment options, and I’m getting exhausted. Guess I will do this DBT group thing and if relapse happens with the ED then I just may end up becoming another statistic because of a flawed system. I told her that recovery isn’t leniar which she says she knows, but she says everything goes back to relationships. I tried to explain that the eating disorder ran deeper than just relationships that it all went back to the trauma and the way we view our body and that programming also had something to do with it. Sorry this is so long.