struggling TW from Lacey

TW trauma and sadness
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im not ok. i hate memories. i hate flashbacks. im back there again. i dont wanna feel. i wanna be safe. i hate this. hate being so sad. just feels like a black hole. thoughts in my mind so bleak and dark… just wanna feel numb.. hate this time of year. it still feels like 2005. can hear my grandparents yelling and screaming.
Lacey 13

? Not a good enough anorexic? not sick enough?

Going to the doctor in a little bit, and I know I have gained weight. My fear is that he is going to say I am not sick enough for treatment because I gained 2 pounds. I just wish this were easier for us to handle. I hope we are able to get into river oaks. I know I need treatment, but I still can’t help feeling that I’m not sick enough that I don’t deserve it.

Ray

No psychiatrist and no primary care again?

Hello everyone,

So we officially have no primary care provider and no psychiatrist. Yesterday I called to check on an appointment and they told me that I transferred out of that medical group with my primary care provider as his patient which I did not do. No one can tell me what the hell is going on. Then I spoke to my psychiatrist nurse who told me that he agreed that I needed a higher level of care, but then half an hour later I get a call from his secretary saying that I don’t meet criteria for any of the diagnoses that I have been diagnosed with in his opinion. I don’t understand how after three times of seeing me in one year he can say this when the appointments have only been 15 minutes with the exception of the first appointment which was 40 minutes. How can he discount something such as anorexia when the signs are clearly there? What did we do to deserve this? I don’t know what we are going to do now. Now we are not being medically monitored for the eating disorder.

Ray

IN THE ER

So we’re in the ER again. We haven’t been here for three months. Just couldn’t handle the meds not working. The system was going down fast. I was actually on lockdown because I couldn’t cope. Now it’s just a waiting game to see if anyone accepts us. I texted our insurance care coordinator to tell her that they needed to pay for the treatment I needed not subpar treatment. I will keep you updated if I can. Thanks for reading and all your support.

Ray

First therapy session with new psychologist

So we had our first session with the new psychologist earlier this afternoon, and it went really well. I am so thankful that I found him. I will call him Dr. V. He specializes in trauma-based issues including did, PTSD, eating disorders, and borderline personality disorder. He is very genuine and compassionate and just loves to help his clients to explore and find themselves. He is very present oriented but will delve into the past to unravel things as needed. He is very well versed in SR a and all that it entails. He is going to contact my local ER to make a crisis plan even if that means when we get in a crisis we go to the ER until the crisis passes, but we don’t always have to be hospitalized. He says that we do this when we know that we are going to act on a plan. He is willing to work with us on cooperation and communication as a System. Will do online therapy, and he takes all of his notes on his computer. This makes things easier because I know when he’s writing so I can give him a chance to finish taking his notes before I say something else. He is willing to let us contact him outside of therapy as long as what we have to say is important, like not talking about the weather or something like that. LOL he says that he knows that some of them on the inside will be resistant to therapy and he’s willing to work with that. He says he is committed to this as long as I am. He says he will work with the altars to increase communication. I am just so glad we fountain. We also have to tell our current therapist next Thursday that we have found someone else but that if that falls through to see if she would be willing to see us again, so not completely shut her out but as Dr. V said, give her an olive branch on the way out. I want to say thank you to all of the people who have read our blog. We have received 1000 likes on this blog since it was started almost 3 years ago.

new psychologist yay!!!!!

So we have found a new psychologist who understands our issues and has worked with all of our disorders. He is trauma trained and knows about SRA and covert DID. He says he’s willing to work with us, and our insurance is accepted there to. He does online therapy, and he also told me that there will be times where we will go to see him and the insurance would pay for the trip. I will refer to him as dr V. Really looking forward to our first session tomorrow. Some of the others aren’t looking forward to it because of the fear that they will be left yet again. Will update you all after tomorrows session.

Ray

Good news about doctors and insurance therapy update and psychiatrist stuff

So, my doctor has agreed to see me even with my current insurance. they’re going to do this until either they get contracted to take my insurance or until I switch plans. This is really good news as it will allow me to stick with a Doctor Who understands my needs and complexities. I have a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon, and the clinic is writing off the cost of this appointment because of the insurance situation. Also, my therapist told me that I’m just going to have to learn to use the resources that I do have in regards to my eating disorder, and she also told me to ask the psychiatrist when I go to see them today about ways that I can go about getting further evaluated for the dissociative issues because she said she is not qualified to do those evaluations. I asked her what I was supposed to do if it got to a point where things are medically unstable and I needed more than just inpatient treatment, and she said that I was just going to have to get medically stable and then work with the other stuff on an outpatient basis. I just don’t want things to go downhill and then I not have the support that I need to properly deal with things and then end up going back into a relapse. The other thing that has me worried is that the medication I am on currently is not working like I think it should. One reason for this I think, is because the medication is not out an effective dose to make a lot of a difference. Also, the medication I am on for anxiety is not working. I’m going to talk to the psychiatrist today and see if there’s anything you can do in regards to that. I know they cannot give me anything that is lethal because of the risk of either me or the other alters overdosing on the medication. I know that the borderline personality disorder poses a risk and is a barrier to me actually getting what might help in treatment. I have an appointment in a few hours with my primary care provider because in order to fill the prescription for the ensure that she wrote, I have to have an a valuation by her which she then submits to the durable medical equipment supply store so that they can determine whether they will fill the prescription or not. Ivan have an appointment this afternoon with my psychiatrist to discuss what we are going to do after he leaves. I hope that they don’t have a weight requirement for the ensure prescription to be filled. Also, tomorrow morning my caseworker is taking me shopping, and then after that I am meeting with the care coordinator from my insurance company to do the paperwork so that we can get homemaker services started. She said those it should be started by the end of next week and that I should get roughly 20 hours per week. Also, in therapy yesterday, we discussed on the service reasons for why are use my eating disorder as a coping mechanism. It’s because I feel like so many things are out of my control and it is one way that I can control things. I hope this all makes sense, and thanks for reading.

Ray

Psychiatrist is leaving and Cardiology update

So, our psychiatrist is leaving on the 14th of December. The office wasn’t even going to call his patients and tell them. They’re just going to send a letter in the mail giving us our options. They said it could be months before we see a psychiatrist again. I went to the doctor’s today because my heart was skipping beats. It was skipping like 4 or 5 beats in a minute. Sometimes it would be fine for a minute or two and then it would just go back to skipping. I had to go to the hospital outpatient clinic to get an EKG done. They’re putting another 48-hour Holter monitor on on the 29th. Plus, our internet is down, so I don’t have my computer to email people or to block with or do what I do on my computer. Our next psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be on January 4th. We haven’t seen him since the 31st of October. Don’t know when we’ll see a psychiatrist next. This couldn’t have come at a worse time with all the dissociation and everything that’s going on right now.

need a friend…

Hi, it’s Ray, and I just cant keep doing this. I need something for this depression. There are insiders who are stockpiling our sleep meds and anxiety meds. Although, you cant overdose on buspar. We cant go to our local ER because people don’t understand… Our caseworker told us that the ER didn’t want us there anymore and to not go there again for psych. To go to the next city would cost us $40 which we don’t have. Just could really use a friend.

Ray

psychiatrist appointment

So, we had our psychiatrist appointment yesterday, and the doctor put me on Ambian for sleep and Buspar for anxiety. He said he couldn’t put us on anything else because of the possibility of us overdosing….. I can understand that, but I need something for this fucking depression and these mood shifts. I told him about our panic attacks that would get so bad that I would end up dissociating because I would get so overwhelmed that another part would take over and end up doing harm to the body. He’s starting me off on ten MG of Buspar three times a day and five MG of ambian at bedtime. The manager of the clinic is working on getting me into an inpatient program for trauma disorders. I hate it when people tell me that Jesus can heal a chemical imbalance. I hate stupid religion. I don’t like it when people throw Scripture at me like it’s the answer to everything. If things would be solved just by praying about it, then we wouldn’t need meds or therapists, and the psychiatrists and therapists would be without a job. Don’t know how much more of this depression I can take.

Rayette